Speaking of Illinois, Roxy's wedding is on the 29th of October in Chicago and I am super excited. Not pee-my-pants excited, but still excited. I have never been a bride's maid before. Once I was the flower girl in my aunt Tammy's wedding, I think I was two or three. I do not have a memory of this but the story has been told to me so many times I feel like it is mine: I was walking down the aisle with Brian's nephew Brandon and I was upset about something (imagine me, upset, even at age two). They must have told him to hold my hand but I was refusing and every time he'd try I'd pull away from him. I was getting mad and not really sprinkling the flowers like they told me to, but I was throwing handfuls in big clumps every few feet. I didn't even make it to the alter, I just threw down the empty basket and went and sat by my grandma, so Brandon went and pouted too and did the same. I wish I remembered it as my own memory and not a retelling, or that it had been on video because I would love to see it now. I am also super excited about Chicago because of Louis Vuitton and I am hoping I will have enough time to run over there and see if I can find something special for myself. God, how I love Louis Vuitton.
I am supposed to be at Jake's right now but I have a headache and really would not be a lot of fun. Teetz isn't happy with me because of this, but I just am not feeling social right now. I am in one of my funks where I need to be left alone and I love him to death, but I just wish he would understand that sometimes I just need to be by myself and I wish he wouldn't get mad at me for it. I know it is the 4th and all and yay for fireworks, but it's not the same as at home and I don't really want to be around people right now.
I have not spoken to Adam since he left Mississippi for Iraq and while I was not expecting to quite yet, every day the news freaks me out with more bombings and all that shit. I know it shouldn't and I should not let it get to me, but I can't help it. Someone I love very much is over there right now in the middle of all of this bullshit and my greatest fear in the world is that I will never see him again. I know I should not think like that, but how can I not? This is Adam we're talking about, and everyone who knows the score understands what that means.
I am still supremely excited about Gavin and Howie. Teetz and I were checking out the websites last night and there are some cool t-shirts and shit, but you can't be that guy who wears the t-shirt of the band he is seeing. Teetz will probably be that guy. I am so excited. I have decided while Howie is better looking than Gavin, I am more into Gavin's music. Howie has some great stuff and we know "Collide" will probably remain one of my all-time favorite songs, but some of Howie's other stuff sounds the same and it kind of gets old after a while. I guess the music itself does not get old because he is very talented, but I just tire of it more easily than I do Gavin. The only song of Gavin's I can not get behind is "Chemical Party". Otherwise, they all kick some ass. "Just Friends" will always be a favorite, though it still hits a little close to home with the me-Adam-Alexis situation. And "Belief" is such a great song too, and "Overrated" too. I love them all I think, and "Nice to Meet You (Anyway)" is also fun. I am so excited! I also decided that while Gavin DeGraw can not be my baby's daddy, he is allowed to serenade my baby, which will be just as important. Howie, on the other hand, may possibly be my baby's daddy.
Speaking of my baby's daddy, Teetz told his brother I have a boyfriend now. Chaz asked if I still wanted to have sex with him, and Teetz didn't quite know how to put it that yes, Chaz is on my 'exceptions' list. And speaking of exceptions, Drake and Brian say that Chaz can't be on my list because it is likely I will meet him someday and exceptions are supposed to be unlikely people (that's also why I am supposed to take Jesse Boyer off my list). I think it's bunk to take them off, and I also think Teetz's brother is afraid of me. The rest of my exceptions list is as follows if you are curious:
1. Teetz's brother
2. Jesse Boyer
3. JJ Redick
4. Christopher Meloni
5. Vin Diesel
There are a few others that may have to sit aside as replacements just in case, but that's the top 5. Drake won't even give me 10, and we all know I need ten. Ah well.
I have decided I really need to take a break from drinking. I know when people read this they're either not going to believe me, or even wonder why, and Friday is a prime example. Not the part where I made that girl cry, that was fine, but the part about me starting and just not being able to stop. When I am downtown at a bar, I really don't know how to just socially drink. If I am at a house party it is different and I don't know why. Plus, when I do drink that much, I really think I am invincible, thus the walking out into traffic, not even in the crosswalk at least. I am by no means an alcoholic or anything, if I was I would have a beer or six right now, I just think I need to cut back a little bit to really prove to myself that I can. Not to mention I am going to gain weight like crazy if I keep drinking at this pace and we all know how i feel about weight gain and my fear of that. Maybe we don't all know, but in that case if you don't, then it is none of your business anyway and not something you need to concern yourself with.
I would rather sign off on a happier note than my disgust with fat and food, so I will leave the lyrics to a favorite Gavin song for you to ponder:
"Belief"
Belief
Makes things real
Makes things feel
Feel alright
Belief
Makes things true
Things like you
You and I
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Belief
Builds from scratch
Doesn't need to relax
It doesn't need space
Long live the queen and I'll be the king
In the collar of grace
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Belief
I'm going to yell it from the rooftops
I'll wear a sign on my chest
That's the least I can do
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
And I'll stand by my
Belief
Days til Gavin and Howie: 11!!!!!!!
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